It’s taken some time for me to work up the “courage” if you will to start writing about this. Not because I was afraid, but mostly because I feel like the things I experience personally are unbeknownst to the average human. I’m not saying I’m special by any means, but I do feel a bit different.
From The Beginning
I’ve always labeled myself as “odd”. Sometimes as a cover up for things I enjoyed that others didn’t, and other times because of the things that happen to me that didn’t to others. Things that I can’t ever quite explain…unless you’ve been through it too.
*Disclaimer* I am not a sleep specialist or any other specialist by any means. I use the term “sleep paralysis” to generally label this “occurrence” that affects me while I sleep.
I was about 6 years old, living in an apartment with my mother (before all the siblings came) I laid there, flat on my back; staring at the ceiling. When I first opened my eyes, I thought I was simply waking up as normal. Until I tried to move. My heart started racing and my eyes scattered from side to side as I went into an instant panic. I could see everything around me; my body, the doorway, window, all of my surroundings. My entire body felt like cement. I literally felt like I was attempting to lift a gorilla off my chest, except I was just trying to move my own body. My lips wouldn’t even separate from each other for me to mumble one word. In my head I was screaming and crying. My mom was in another room and I started to pray that she would just happen to walk in and shake me awake. At least I thought I wasn’t awake? But how could I see everything around me but just couldn’t move or speak? What was happening to me? Why is this happening to me?
At this point, I felt like I had been laying there for hours. I had no concept of time and I began to feel like I was going to go into shock or maybe even just dying. I’m still breathing very hard, at the same time still working to move my arms and legs with not much progress. Eventually I start to feel like I’m making moves, like my body is starting to catch up with my brain. The lock on my body starts to flush off and suddenly I’m laying on the ground next to my bed screaming in pure terror. All the strength I was using to pull myself out of this “spell” flipped me over to the floor. My mom rushes in, wide-eyed with arms open. I could tell she was confused…hell so was I! I didn’t know how to explain to her what had just happened to me. She probably just held me for a minute then told me I had a bad dream or something but I will never EVER forget that day.
It Never Went Away
My life carried on of course, but with it’s stipulations. It didn’t go away. It still happens to me. I try catching the patterns of why it happens or factor out certain details of my life. I’m trying to figure out and explain the reason for this thing that wants to take over my damn soul when I go to sleep. It’s not everyday, and sometimes I can go months in between with no issue. I’ve done so much google-ing and posting online for answers that I feel like I’m just going to have to accept this as my life and move on. But why me? Why doesn’t everyone have this “issue”? I feel like I’m living up to the main characteristic I have labeled myself my whole life; odd.
When I got older I was able to talk about the things I had been going through to my close family so they could try and understand. I still don’t understand to be honest. I recently posted on Facebook and Instagram about it and I had so many comments about so many different things that I sort of just felt overwhelmed and lost. Some say it’s a gift, some say it’s evil, then others have scientific reasons. I just want it to stop. I don’t feel like it’s a gift. It’s terrifying and not an exhilarating experience like people say I should endure it as. No thanks.
My Latest Experience
If I’m being honest every time this happens, it doesn’t feel good. The energy feels negative, I feel like whatever is happening to me is quite frankly…evil. It feels like an attack on my soul. Something pulling everything deep within me from outside of my being. The reason for me posting online for help was because of my latest experience:
One Saturday afternoon me, Dustin and Axel all decided to go chill in the bed and of course not too much longer we all fell asleep. Suddenly I feel myself having a “moment”. I’m laying in my bed, looking at everything in my room around me, but this time I could hear Axel’s cry, but from the kitchen. Axel was laying right next to me…asleep. I instantly started breathing heavy, sweating a little bit, trying so hard like I always do to pull myself out of this “thing” and WAKE UP. I’m yelling so loudly in my head but the words just stay inside my mouth and I’m begging God to help wake Dustin up so he can shake me out of it. My heart is pumping so hard, I’m almost crying at this point in pure fear because I can still hear Axel crying from the kitchen and I just wanted so bad to get up and hold my baby boy.
I finally break free. I raise up from the bed and catch a huge breath, look over at Axel and Dustin and they’re still sound asleep. I slowly try to breathe, and put my hand to my chest. All of a sudden Axel springs up from a flat position and is completely out of it calling for me. I’m holding both of his arms saying “mommy is right here” He looks at me, then lays back down and goes right back to sleep. Is he experiencing this too? Did he feel something from this? I have so many questions and not enough answers.
I’ve been asked this before, if I’ve ever been able to see myself sleeping and unfortunately (or fortunately, who knows) the answer is yes. Only once. I think I’ll save that for another blog post but when I answer yes, this is usually when people tell me that I should let my fear overpower the real gift that I hold. I’m usually denial when it comes to anything good being associated with this because of the way it always happens. It scares me. It affects my sleep. I have night terrors, sometimes I’m afraid to go to sleep. I don’t like it and never have. I’m terrified of it and want it to stop. I know one day I’ll have an epiphany and find the answer to all my questions.
For now, I’ve just got something after my soul.
P.s I made a doctor’s appointment to talk about what’s been going on. Just a whole 20 something years later, no big deal. I’ll keep you all updated.
Thanks for reading about how weird I am.